In My Head

I am the master of subtlety. Truly I am. Which is how I chose to handle the Vegas Boy issue. But as it turns out boys are stupid and don't respond to subtlety--go figure. After several failed attempts to do this in a way that would maintain a tiny bit of my dignity I finally laid it all on the line...against my better judgment I was completely forward and honest and all that dumb crap that makes guys wonder if you are on the rag. All I got out of him was "I like you a lot--let's leave it at that for now." Are you fucking kidding me? This is not the response I was hoping for. This isn't even a response that is acceptable at this point.

Now I am playing our weekends over again in my head...this time I am seeing it all in a whole different light. O....M....Fing....G! I've been had like a two bit hooker. For the past 2 months I have been the star of "He's Just Not That Into You." I am pretty sure there is only one thing he was "into" if you get my drift. Ugh. I feel like a complete and utter idiot right now. Lucky for me I've been an idiot on enough occasions that I feel an odd sense of familiarity as it welcomes me back with open arms.

There is a silver lining though. Along with the realization that he's just not that into me comes something even better. Something I probably would have had to pay a shit ton of money in therapy to discover. Vegas Boy represents all the rejection I faced from elementary school through high school. He's the Holy Grail of boys that I wanted but could never have...that I never even stood a chance at having...that never even knew I existed. Having him now would somehow cancel out all that rejection and would prove I am not the homely loser I was back then. Wow--I've reached a new height of emotional dysfunction (even by my standards). But now I know what I have to do. I have to walk away. I SUCK at this part though. I don't want to walk away. I want the boy. I don't want to admit defeat. I want my fucking trophy! I want him to want me--but he doesn't. Welcome to Loserville. Population: 1.