Snakes On a Plane (Bring It)

I have a plan.  My plan is simple yet effective and, although it's been suggested, does not involve prostitution--even though that might actually be my best option.  You get paid to have sex.  Sounds easy to me.  I suffered through years of sex with my ex-husband that I didn't get paid for.  In my opinion prostitution would have been a step up.  In fact I should just consider his huge child support checks as my back-pay and call it good.

My plan has 3 steps.  The first step is to lay the foundation.  I need a little boost.  I need to know that there are some guys out there desperate enough to want to date me.  And where better to find desperate guys than CL?  Please bear in mind...I am not looking for dates during this step.  I just want to know that I am wanted by some guys...no matter how gross or creepy (and yes, this speaks volumes about my own desperation at this time--there is no need to point and laugh).  Once I am no longer plagued with self loathing I will move on to step #2.

Here is my CL ad:

I'm not going to lie. Posting on CL is not my first choice when it comes to meeting men...so in the spirit of full disclosure, if we do wind up meeting I will never admit to anyone that we met on craigslist--please don't fight me on this one.

Here's the deal. I am divorced. As it turns out getting married at 19 doesn't always turn out quite as well as you thought it would while you were drunk in Vegas saying " I do." I consider that a lesson learned and will make every effort to be sober next time I tie the knot. I also have kids. Two of them. They are both at least halfway to 18 which means they are pretty much on "cruise control" now. I figure I parented them well enough during the early years that reality TV and video games can now put the finishing touches on them and get them ready for the real world. So other than the birthing videos that I might make you watch (to scare you into NOT impregnating me) you probably won't even know I have kids.

I don't want to get your hopes up or anything but other than being damaged goods with some carry-on baggage I am sort of awesome (this is my ad and I can write whatever I want to). I was an ugly duckling up until my 20's--which means I was forced to develop a personality because I couldn't rely on my looks to carry me through life. Luckily things changed for the better when I stopped getting perms and wearing clothes my mom made for me. Getting my braces off and plucking my eyebrows probably helped a little too.

If you think we might hit it off please feel free to send me an email...or contact CPS directly to file your complaint about my parenting skills. Either way, have a great day.

Game on.  Bring it!

Throw It In The Bag

I found myself doing something unthinkable when I dropped the kids off at school today.  I mentally undressed their principal.  I am pretty sure that this is something the PTA would not encourage...thank heaven I saved the $7 and didn't join this year.  I think that makes him fair game.  If he's going to stand out there in dockers and a Northface vest then he's got to understand that he's setting himself up to be objectified by moms (at least the single ones that couldn't get a date if their life depended on it.)  This is a new low.  Even for me.

There is really only one option here.  I have GOT to get myself a date.  Not only will it help me put Vegas Boy behind me once and for all (maybe) but since I already suck at dating I doubt things are going to get any better if I sit on my ass for 8 months while my ex is deployed.  But I have absolutely no prospects.  No friends to set me up...no guys to at work to flirt with...nothing at all.  Okay then....throw it in the bag bitches...I am getting back on the internet!

Tik Tok

Since I have an extremely long (and consistent) history of not being able to find myself a decent guy....my mom has volunteered to be my wing man.  I think this is her way of trying to make up for dressing me like Helen Keller when I was a kid.  I am almost certain that nothing could be more embarrassing than having your own mother pimp you out on a cruise ship.  But honestly I will take whatever help I can get at this point, after all, my dignity is already gone--I handed that over to Vegas Boy.  Not protesting at my mother's offer to find me a man is confirmation that I have reached the gates of dating purgatory and they are WIDE open.  I am in hell.

Long story short:  shockingly enough--Mom hooked me up!  Cruise Boy was very good looking, well within my age range, and all things considered (there has GOT to be something wrong with a 30 year old man working on a cruise ship) was a pretty good catch.  We chatted, flirted, laughed, and had a great time.  He kept my mind far from Vegas Boy during the rest of the cruise.  Unfortunately, he also made me realize that as much as I joke about my pathetic dating life I really do want to find someone....although preferably not someone who has graduated from Carnival Cruise Lines University with a BA in hosting Family Feud.  It's been 4+ years since my divorce...shouldn't I have had a serious relationship by now?  Every tic of the clock reminds me that I am alone...completely and utterly alone.  Tik tok.  Tik tok.  I need to do something about this or just shut the fuck up already.

I'm On A Boat

I am back from the cruise and it was GREAT!  If any of you have had the pleasure of seeing how much food I can cram down my gullet (it is truly a sight to behold!) then you would know that cruising is right up my alley.  Endless food 24/7.  It was heaven on earth for me.  But obviously no one is here reading my blog hoping I will tell you all about my meals and snacks.  No.  You want the good stuff.  Well, lets just get one thing out of the way right now--there are 2 types of people that go on cruises:  families and lesbians.  I have never been visually accosted by so many carpet munchers in my entire frigging life.  No offense to the gay community or anything...but if you look like Rosie O'Donnell please do not undress me with your eyes--you are nasty and gross and even in my deepest, darkest hour of desperation I will not be switching teams--especially not for you.  Move along please.

There was one hot guy in my immediate vicinity my first day out by the pool.  He had a nice body, a great tan, and was pretty darn cute.  I almost immediately began to have impure thoughts about him.  He walked by me (which was a little out of his way) much more often than necessary...we made eye contact...we smiled...we were both obviously checking each other out.  When I saw him later at lunch with his little sister and parents I excused myself to go take a shower (and NO, not to do THAT!).  Holyfuck!  I am practically a pedophile on the fast track to a prison sentence.  This is not good.  I'm on a boat with boys that aren't legal...and dads that have absolutely no business taking their shirts off in public.  I'm going to need some liquor.  Lots and lots of liquor.

But all hope is not lost.  I have realized a huge error in my way of thinking...I have been looking at the wrong people--the passengers are not my man candy.  The hot young LEGAL guys are the ones that WORK on the boat!  My mind flashes to Dirty Dancing.  This is going to be awesome.  I am Baby in search of my Johnny.  I can hear the theme song right now.  It's time to go slumming!

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

I'm not going to do it.  As much as I believe I have an inner ho-bag trapped deep inside of me it just isn't going to happen.  I am not going to "date" a 23 year old.  I don't particularly find enjoyment in beating my head against a wall which is what this would equate to.  Except this wall has the possibility of giving me the clap or the herp or whatever else might cause burning and itching and general unpleasantness.  I just can't justify sleeping with someone just to sleep with them.  I feel the need to guard my vajayjay against harmful things in my quest for a man--lets face it, my divorce and kids are baggage enough.  I really don't need an STD raining on my parade of awesomeness.

The cruise is fast approaching and I am pretty sure that after being gone for a week it won't be hard to phase out Smoking Hot Body Boy.  With any luck he will fade away without a fight.  I am a pussy when it comes to being blunt with people--yet another glaring reminder of my social retardation.  I am really amazed I have made it this far in life without being heavily medicated...although maybe that would help.  I still find myself thinking about Vegas Boy way more than I should and how I wish I could have a do-over.  Thanks for the memories...thanks for the memories...

Not Myself Tonight

I met a boy.  And by "met" I mean I made out with him.  And by "boy" I mean that he's only 23.  My friend and I had another girl's night out....a mucho successful girl's night out!  I am batting a thousand at one particular joint downtown and it is quickly becoming my "go to" place when I need a self-esteem boost.  Fact:  this boy had one of the most smoking hot bodies I have ever had the pleasure of being pressed up against.  All I can say is DAMN!  I am not usually one to paw at a guy I barely know but in this situation I found out that my self-control is less than stellar.  And after I caught a glimpse of his abs I was pretty much drooling on myself...clearly a quality that all men seek in a woman.

I am not sure what it is about me that the young ones like.  I can only hope they don't have some sort of radar that senses desperation and therefore gravitate towards me like a fat kid to a cupcake.  I honestly try as hard as possible to hide my desperation and will be eternally crushed to find out that men have a 6th sense about it.  If that's the case I really have no hopes of landing another husband--time is NOT on my side (I am aging about as well as a piece of beef jerky).  I might as well face the facts and go get a couple cats after work today.  So anyway...Smoking Hot Body Boy was super sweet.  He asked for my phone number...sent me a text about 5 minutes later...and has been texting me regularly the past several days.  He really wants to see me again...which I assume means he really wants to have sex with me...since we obviously don't have much to talk about.  I'm definitely not myself tonight because I can't believe I am actually considering this...

Killing Me Softly

I must not being doing this right because it's not getting any easier.  I'm trying to focus on the kids and getting into bikini shape but it isn't helping.  I miss him.  I even miss his ring tone--especially his ring tone!  What once use to be an indicator that he was in Vegas thinking about me is now just a huge chasm of silence.  The sound that could light me up and awaken the butterflies in my stomach is no more.  It's been over a week now and the silence is killing me...killing me softly...if you would consider being bludgeoned to death with a cleaver as "softly".  This blows.

I am now at the stage where I am second guessing myself.  Did I really need to push him to express his "feelings" for me?  What the fuck was I thinking?  Who the hell does that to a guy?  No guy wants to be put in that position.  There were plenty of indicators that he cared about me.  I am now about 60% sure that he wasn't using me for sex.  60% aint bad right?  It could be worse.  If I start judging things based on "it could have been worse" then in retrospect things are starting to look pretty damn good.  Who would drive from Vegas to San Diego for a booty call anyway?  The boy is FINE--he definitely doesn't have to drive 5 hours for sex.  I completely self-sabotaged any possible relationship I could have had with Vegas Boy because I have the emotional maturity of newborn.  I officially suck at life.

Ridin' Solo

Don't get your panties in a wad. I didn't call or text him. Well, not until Monday. It was kind of like the urge to poke a sleeping bear...or push people down stairs...or microwave tinfoil--you just WANT to do it but you don't really know why. In this case I did have a somewhat viable reason to contact him. I left my favorite Holister jacket in Vegas Boy's car and I wanted it back REALLY bad (I got it on clearance which added to the sting of its possible loss). My text was witty but to the point...he could have taken it several different ways which was my master plan. What he writes back will speak volumes about his mindset over these last 3 days of silence. His response (drum roll please), "OK. I will mail it tomorrow." Wow! He clearly wants me back. That simple text of 6 words is practically oozing with sexual innuendo and wanton undertones. I am so ecstatic that my heart is racing, I am flushed, and I think I am even starting to sweat a little. Oh wait....I am having an allergic reaction to the expired Prozac I found in my medicine cabinet last night. Great. 

Okay. New plan. I am going to work my ass off and get in the best shape of my life for my upcoming cruise to Mexico. I hadn't even thought of the many possibilities this cruise could offer if I were single and looking. Ridin' solo might be fantastic! My willpower has been renewed. The cruise is only 3 weeks away. I am bound to think of Vegas Boy less and less each passing day...and by the time I get back from the cruise he will be but a distant memory. In theory this sounds like it might work. Of course my past experience is telling me that I am going to crash and burn, make a fool out of myself, and sustain some sort of debilitating physical injury...but at least I will look good

Bad Romance

(This entry was posted out of order last week--sorry) If getting home at 3:30 AM isn't the sign of a successful night then I don't know what is. Girls night out couldn't have been any better and I am feeling pretty friggin good about myself right now. Do NOT underestimate the boost you can get from making out with a random cute boy at a club. I guess the fact that Random Boy couldn't shut up about how hot he thought I was (thank you poor lighting!) and how tight my body was (thank you Bender Ball!) didn't hurt in the least. I often frown on the girls that publicly suck face with a guy they just met...but I was totally that girl...and it was awesome. As an added bonus I am pretty sure I didn't catch anything--I got just what I wanted...an entire night without a single thought of Vegas Boy.

But the high didn't last very long. I am missing him. I am fighting the urge to text him and I am avoiding Facebook so I won't be temped to succumb to social network stalking. I am totally the "internet stalking" type (I now have him hidden from my news feed as an extra precaution). I can only hope that this is going to get easier because I am weak and pathetic and I want him back more than anything right now. I keep reminding myself that a bruised ego will heal...that's all this is. I wanted to prove to myself that I could get someone who once rejected me...but who the fuck cares? It is what it is and I need to move on from this bad romance...which is the exact opposite of what I am doing while I reach for my cell phone...