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It sucks ass to be me right now. It's been a year and 2 days since I posted on this blog...and notwithstanding the last 2 weeks (which I've mostly spent crying) it has been a mighty good year and 2 days. I honestly didn't think I'd ever be back on this blog--I thought my circus-freak style dating days were behind me. Not. So. Fast. My heart has been broken and ripped out of my chest and I have been forced from the glorious co-dependent warmth of an actual relationship back into the cold, cruel world of dating/being slutty/feeling sorry for myself. I'm pretty much a fucking mess right now. If I make it 24 hours without crying it's a miracle. I've gone on some pretty epic food binges too--because obviously getting fat would REALLY help my self-loathing right now. Consuming 4,000 calories while crying during the season finale of Glee has been a personal low for me in the past 3 days. Although, having my 10 year son old hug me and tell me everything will be okay while I cry like a child wasn't really my best moment either. This can't seriously be my life right now. What the hell is wrong with me? 
It's going to take me a while to work back up to pimping myself out on the internet...although I have a feeling the sooner I get back out there the sooner I will stop obsessing about him and be able to let him go. Luckily there's something about desperate, single guys trolling the internet that boosts my self-esteem. Don't judge. In the meantime this blog will offer some much needed catharsis while my heart learns what Fergie doesn't know shit about--that fairy tales don't always have happy endings--do they?
Today is better. Today I am back to thinking that Vegas Boy is a jack ass...a sad, disappointing jack ass. These days are easier days. Today I can see that I gave him multiple opportunities to step up and show me he felt something for me. Sure, I put him in the position where he had to do or say something...but we aren't in high school for fuck sake. This isn't all about games and not letting the girl know you like her because then she will lose interest. Having sexual chemistry does not imply the presence of feelings--any girl who isn't a total nut case knows this (which is pretty much the only distinction between me and a total nut case). I am not the type of girl that can or will put herself out on a limb and hope my heart isn't methodically fed through a meat grinder. I have gone out on that limb before and I have fallen out of the tree and really fucked myself up. I put myself out there as far as I could with Vegas Boy...and got nothing in return. I gambled and I lost. I lived and I learned. He's missing out on a pretty cool girl though...a girl that some guy will appreciate--kwirks and all. So to that guy I ask "Where the hell are you already?" I know you are out there..I just haven't met you yet.
I can't let this drag me down again. How long can I feel like shit over one guy? A guy that wasn't even technically my boyfriend. I don't even know what we were. We were in some sort of grey area where emotions are choked out like hookers in snuff films. The problem is that I have no idea how to get over a guy that has me this sprung. I have never been in this position before and I can only hope that going through this has paid back whatever debt I apparently owed to dating society. It is time to put on a smile because when one door closes, a window opens....or some stupid shit like that. Shut up. I'm trying.
Oh boy. What a weekend. Let's just start by saying the kids and I had a great time. The Mandalay Bay was awesome, the weather was perfect, and Supercross was bad ass. The only problem is that I now despise myself--and I'm talking deep dark hatred that has me cloaked in all sorts shame and self loathing. I am such a loser. Why on earth did I think I was mentally stable enough to see Vegas Boy? Why, why, why?!? This was the WORST possible thing I could have done. I thought I was over this. What the fuck is wrong with me? Okay....the list is too long to go into detail but in regards to Vegas Boy I can easily say that I have never been so physically attracted to a guy before--and that simple fact is what brings me to my knees. I have absolutely no control over my raging maniacal attraction to him. It certainly didn't help that he's been hitting the gym really hard the last couple months and looked freaking amazing. It also didn't help that he got his hair cut really short which looks super hot on him. He doesn't even try to look good and he does. DAMN!!
Obviously nothing happened. My kids were with us the entire time so there was only some mild flirtation...and he sent me a text after dinner on Friday night proclaiming how badly he wanted to rip my clothes off. UGH! I really didn't need to know that. It's already been established that there is a mutual attraction between us and some really good chemistry...the kind of chemistry that breaks furniture and chips paint off the walls (I kid you not). But that's it. That's all he has to offer. I need someone with a little more emotional depth and maturity than a bag of rocks. But that doesn't stop me from wanting him more than I have ever wanted anyone else in my entire life! So here I am. Again. Back where I started. Wanting a boy that doesn't want me. That's what I get for waking up in Vegas.
This morning I head to Vegas. (Stop rolling your eyes at me!) This trip has been on tap since February...when the kids and I went to Supercross and--upon hearing the location--quickly decided we should go to the finals in Vegas (this presented the perfect opportunity to plan a road trip to see Vegas Boy). I wish I could say I was still high from the exhaust fumes the next morning when I bought the 4 tickets--but we all know I wasn't. Theoretically Vegas Boy should have met my kids by this point...but that hasn't happened for obvious reasons. So now I have a problem. The right thing to do is to see if Vegas Boy still wants to come with us since that was the original plan (which Vegas Boy was well aware of)....so I extended the invitation to him a couple weeks ago. Of course I wanted him to accept...but as soon as he did I felt nothing but dread. I don't want to see him again. I honestly have no desire to spend an evening making awkward conversation with him while drool pours out of my mouth--or worse yet having my children witness this horror! I am OVER wanting someone who doesn't want me. I have spent the last month avoiding his phone calls. I would sometimes even avoid listening to my voicemail for days at a time because I didn't want to hear his voice. I was doing all I could to keep that door firmly shut. Part of me was even hoping he'd flake out and not be able to go to Supercross. 
No such luck. He called several days ago and asked if he could take me and the kids out to dinner tonight (are you fucking kidding me??). I agreed to dinner plans but I am less than enthusiastic about it. I can't comprehend how he thinks this is a good idea. I guess it is too much to hope for that he will flake out on dinner AND Supercross...or get hit by a bus. I need to focus on the positive. I am going to spend 2 days at the Mandalay Bay pool surrounded by hot (shirtless) guys and I happen to look really good right now--I am amazingly close to being in the best shape of my life (I am only 2 short of a 6 pack)...I have the perfect early summer tan...my skin looks great...and I have been experiencing an exceptional number of good hair days. So, Vegas Boy, if we ever meet again--THIS is what you are missing out on!
McDreamy Boy lives in Utah. Yes this blows in a rather unpleasant way. But he did tell me this fact in his second email so my hopes weren't exceedingly high for an extended period of time or anything. Sure...I was already ripping his clothes off in my mind...and planning our first rendezvous...and our wedding...and our honeymoon. But this will still totally work. It might even be better than him living here. I like it this way. The chance of disappointment is far lower with him living out of state. If there is anything I have learned from my shady past strewn with horrific CL dates, it is that you will ALWAYS be disappointed. It is about as certain as getting herpes from Tiger Woods. Put a bow on that shit and break out the Valtrex because it's a done deal.
Anyway, we might meet up the next time he comes to SD on business...but I suspect I have a greater chance of having my eyes pecked out by a West Nile ravaged bird than actually meeting this guy at any point in the future. But that's totally fine. My goal was not to meet a guy off of CL. This was merely a preparatory exercise for phase 2...which will start as soon as McDreamy Boy fails to entertain me. However....his main use right now is to function as a HUGE distraction from what I am about to do tomorrow. I need anything and everything I can find to help me get through this coming weekend!
Okay. I have officially made my last trek down into the loser abyss affectionately known as craigslist. The joy of rejecting 50+ men that probably fail to function at a normal level in society wears off more quickly than one would hope. That joy actually turns into a feeling somewhere between nausea and depression and can also result in dry heaves after viewing some of the pictures that accompany said responses. I really had no idea how many people have been viciously attacked by the ugly stick. And I do mean vicious. Terrible, unspeakable things have been done to these people. Okay...the depression is coming back. I better tell you the good news.
It sucks ass to be me right now. It's been a year and 2 days since I posted on this blog...and notwithstanding the last 2 weeks (which I've mostly spent crying) it has been a mighty good year and 2 days. I honestly didn't think I'd ever be back on this blog--I thought my circus-freak style dating days were behind me. Not. So. Fast. My heart has been broken and ripped out of my chest and I have been forced from the glorious co-dependent warmth of an actual relationship back into the cold, cruel world of dating/being slutty/feeling sorry for myself. I'm pretty much a fucking mess right now. If I make it 24 hours without crying it's a miracle. I've gone on some pretty epic food binges too--because obviously getting fat would REALLY help my self-loathing right now. Consuming 4,000 calories while crying during the season finale of Glee has been a personal low for me in the past 3 days. Although, having my 10 year son old hug me and tell me everything will be okay while I cry like a child wasn't really my best moment either. This can't seriously be my life right now. What the hell is wrong with me? 
It's going to take me a while to work back up to pimping myself out on the internet...although I have a feeling the sooner I get back out there the sooner I will stop obsessing about him and be able to let him go. Luckily there's something about desperate, single guys trolling the internet that boosts my self-esteem. Don't judge. In the meantime this blog will offer some much needed catharsis while my heart learns what Fergie doesn't know shit about--that fairy tales don't always have happy endings--do they?
