Gives You Hell

My parents were brilliant, brilliant people. In hindsight I certainly see this, since hindsight is 20/20. I can, without a doubt, clearly see that they held my hand and led me down the path to being an ugly duckling. I arrived at the Mecca of ugly ducklinghood at a very young age and my parents took every conceivable measure to keep me there. I do understand that I was raised in the 80's so I didn't have much working in my favor to begin with...but come on, my parents could have done much better with the cards they were dealt--but they didn't.

Let’s start with my twice yearly bad perms (tragically bad perms!). Yes, perms where "in" back then. But did I really have to go to some random lady's house in the ghetto where she performed said perm in her living room? I take this to be some sort of indication that my mom really didn't give a shit how the perm came out. And you would think that after this random lady burned my hair to the point where big chunks of it fell out (on several occasions mind you) my mom would have taken me elsewhere. But no. To add insult to injury my hair would be cut/styled into the female equivalent of a mullet after each bad perm. Thanks Mom.

My clothes. I think I would have been perfectly happy (maybe even ecstatic) with clothes from K-mart up until the 6th grade or so...because, honestly, you will become willing to wear just about ANYTHING to avoid having your mom make every single item of clothing that is in your closet. Yes. I was THAT kid. My shirts had ponies, puppies, bows, and all sorts of other crap on them that will get you pelted with balls on the playground. Years of wearing homemade clothes cemented my social status: it put me just one notch above the girl with polio crutches (God bless her frail little heart). Again, thank you Mom.

I am confident that my father was the mastermind behind this plan. This plan saved him many sleepless nights and he really didn't have to do much to pull it off either because he had a lot of help. Me being freakishly tall and skinny helped. Me having jacked up teeth that resulted in braces or some sort of retainer for 4 years helped. Me having minimal coordination and no natural ability to play any sort of sports helped. Me being smart and having a strong drive to excel in school helped. But, nonetheless, his plan worked. I went through high school with MAYBE a hand full of dates and only 1 kiss. However, I find myself very thankful that my parents did absolutely nothing to cultivate my self-esteem. Being an ugly duckling forced me to develop a personality because I couldn't rely on my looks to get me anywhere in life. Although, lucky for me it turns out that you can really ride charm and wit a long way nowadays—score! And perhaps best of all--I have discovered that guys really appreciate women with low self-esteem; it saves them the work of having to lower it themselves. And to all the boys that never gave me a second look back in elementary school, junior high, and high school....I hope it gives you hell to see me now!

All The Small Things

Random updates:

Creepy married dude with the hard-on for me:  He is currently in Florida with his "once-a-month-bone" and their 2 kids.  I have been free from him visually accosting me on a daily basis in the break room.  Is it sad that I miss him looking at my boobs...or just pathetic?

Motocross Boy:  I still get random texts from him once in a while but I ignore them.  According to his Facebook page he recently set himself on fire while out in the desert with friends.  Seems like I dodged a bullet there.  I would not look good with my eyebrows burned off.

Prospective dates:  None.  Unless we count the middle-aged man with braces that hit on me at Walmart.  Please don't make me count him.  I am holding out hope that Saturday night will prove fruitful--I am heading out to party on Halloween with some single girls.  I have volunteered to be the designated driver which might be counterproductive since my social retardation isn't nearly as noticeable once I am properly liquored up.  My rationale behind this is that the more sober I stay the more chance there is that my clothes will stay on (please refer to Clothes Off! if necessary).  I am basically attempting to avoid standing in line outside the local STD clinic at any point in the future.

The ex-b/f:  He is still very much smitten with me.  I make a conscious effort to make a couple mean comments to him each day but I think that has back-fired.  He has taken a liking to my feisty side.  My next step will be to look like crap every day at work...but that won't really help score any prospective dates.  I might need a back-up plan.

The ex-husband:  I haven't made mention of him yet...but he's still a douche bag in case anyone is curious.

My goal this week is focus on all the small things.  Smile at cute guys, make myself more approachable, etc.  If all else fails I will lower my standards and make out with at least 1 guy on Halloween.

No Surprise

I am weaving a tangled web.  A tangled web that will likely get wrapped around my neck and wind up strangling me at some point.  Yeah...THAT kind of web.  It involves boys...which means it is a mere matter of time before something goes wrong.  Really wrong.  My life just doesn't seem balanced without some sort of disaster looming in the distance.  And it usually isn't a natural disaster.  It's man-made.  Courtesy of yours truly.

Things are progressing with Vegas Boy.  We talk every night that I don't have the kids.  We text every day and I send him witty emails that leave him wondering why someone as fabulous as me would be interested in him.  Okay...maybe he doesn't wonder that.  But he should.  I'm pretty freaking fabulous.  He wants to come see me for Thanksgiving while the kids are out of town.  I haven't seen him in 6 months and a huge part of me is really excited....like the giddy kind of excited.  Going to Disneyland for the first time kind of excited.  The problem is that I am still friends with the ex-b/f and he doesn't know that Vegas Boy is back in the picture....ex-b/f NO LIKEY Vegas Boy (he knows I have history with him).  But the ex-b/f is still a big part of my life--you see...the ex-b/f happens to be my best friend...which I have failed to mention to Vegas Boy.  The ex-b/f doesn't know about Vegas Boy and Vegas Boy doesn't know about the ex-b/f...and we all know that nothing good can come of this.  There's no surprise that there are an infinite number of ways that this could blow up in my face.  I am already researching reconstructive surgery and picking out a new nose.  I am thinking along the lines of Megan Fox.  She has a nice nose.  I should just be honest with everyone and let the chips fall where they may.  But I don't want to lose my best friend and I don't want to lose the possibility of "what might be" with Vegas Boy.  So here I am.  Weaving my web in an effort to have the best of both worlds when I know this very same web will eventually trap me, strangle me, and leave me wondering why the hell I make the choices that I do. 

Blame It On The Alcohol

Internet dating.  Been there.  Done that.  Obviously.  The life I live is not one that supplies me with endless opportunity to meet eligible bachelors....so internet dating has really been the only way for me to procure dates.  Speaking of internet dating--I don't know why this makes me feel like such a degenerate--but yes, I have even dated off of craigslist.  I am completely embarrassed to admit this tid bit of info...which really makes no sense at all because I've meet guys of a better caliber from CL than from match.com.  Go figure.  Here's a rundown of my CL experiences so far (some names have been changed to protect identities...in other cases I can't even remember their names so I am just taking a stab in the dark and throwing something out there) :

• Mike...aka the army horse trainer.  Nice guy.  Decent looking.  Went out 3-4 times.  Word to the wise though--if you EVER try to tell me I am doing something wrong with one of my horses you WILL get dumped.  He met his now-wife soon after we dated (not on CL by the way).  I wish Mike and Tiff nothing but the best!
• Ray--or was it Russ...or maybe Randy?  Not sure.  90% of the conversation on our first date was about his ex-wife and her incestuous lesbian love affair with her sister that he happened to walk in on at some point in all their naked glory.  Um, no thanks.  I ran for the hills.
• Andre...aka the metro sexual.  Yikes.  What can I say about a guy that offered to add me to his cell phone plan on the second date?
• Matt....aaaahhh my dear Matty.  Great great guy.  We emailed for almost a year before we eventually met.  We only went out twice...things fizzled.  We still keep in touch via email and he is excited at the prospect of getting to see the new boobs (if we ever make it out on our 3rd date).
• Jake.  I met Jake during a very rough time in my life and he was a great friend.  Things between us drop off for a while then we reconnect several months later.  Definitely not a love connection between the 2 of us but he is a great guy that I could stay friends with for sure!
• Jon...aka muscle man.  This guy was my height but had about 100 pounds more of muscle.  I think he could have picked me up and threw me a good 50 yards.  I just couldn't picture kissing him....so I ended it after 2 dates.  He was a super great guy though and I hope he's found a girl worthy of him.
• A guy who's name totally escapes me.  Went out with him once to a Fall Out Boy concert.  I really wanted to go to the concert but had no one to go with....so why not post an ad on CL and see what happens, right?  He was a nice enough guy....attempted some inappropriate touching/groping at one point in the evening.  You can't really blame a guy for trying but you can blame it on the alcohol--large, copious amounts of alcohol.  Never returned any of his subsequent phone calls.

With that being said...I have certainly had some fun times and some not so fun times in my past couple years of dating.  I don't think we can measure my success in online dating by the fact that I am now single (happily single, I might add!).  Instead, we will measure it based on the fact that I am still alive--which means I have faired pretty darn well if I may say so myself.  I guess it's time to get back out there!

Already Gone

The thought of dating again horrifies me. I am either really really bad at it or I have the worst luck in the whole effing world. I am willing to admit it might be a combination of both. I am the sort of girl who looks good on paper. Well...I look good on paper if we don't mention that I am divorced from a Navy guy with Special Ops training....or that I have 2 kids that take up a large portion of my time, patience, and money....or that I have a job with no real potential for advancement. Okay. Amendment. I am the sort of girl who can send witty emails and create a great first impression and then ease the guy into the fact that I am a divorced mom with a dead-end job (that I actually love) and a dwindling bank account. Somehow I am able to make these things sound charming and cute and I score a date. It is the next part that sucks. The "meeting him in person" part. Actually....I don't think I suck too badly at this part. This is the part that sucks FOR ME. Because we meet and I immediately know that I never want to see him again but I can't tell him that. I'm already gone.  I checked out.  I am making my grocery list in my head but I am either too polite or too much of a coward to be honest. I probably walk the thin line that separates politeness from cowardice. I just can't help it. Honesty to that extent is foreign to me...it terrifies me...and I can't do it. This is what gets me in trouble...this is what makes my life more difficult. This is what I bitch to my friends about. This is why dating is a pain in my ass and I am only going back out there so I have stuff to blog about. I hope you people are happy. I hope you can bask in the warm glow of my misery without choking on the guilt that you should be feeling from using my dating life for your own personal entertainment. Look out craigslist....here I come!

I Wanna

Confession: I am a cradle robber. Or at least a wanna-be cradle robber...my success rate thus far is marginal at best.  I think it all started with Motocross Boy. Once he started flirting with me (he met me when I had my kids in tow so he obviously knew I was almost a decade older) it opened the door to a whole new world.  Suddenly I noticed younger guys everywhere...and once I took notice of them they started flirting with me. (Gasp!) Case in point: Albertson's Boy. He's a tatted up guy that works at Albertson's and has taken a particular interest in me...and I have shamelessly returned the flirting. It got to the point where Kaleb once announced "Mom, he was looking at your butt while you were walking away" and Maddie pointed out that he's closer in age to her than he is to me. Which is true. What the hell is wrong with me? Do you want to know how bad it has gotten? I actually do a double take when I see the shirtless high school boys out doing their conditioning runs in the street. I can't believe I just typed that out. I should probably be arrested or something. 

My attraction to younger guys is compounded by my new love:  flirting.  I flirted with the creepy married dude in my office--so obviously I have problems and am completely void of any sort of "flirt filter."  If you are breathing and I stand any sort of chance at convincing a judge that I "thought" you were of legal age then it is game on.  I honestly think I am somehow trying to make up for lost time.  My ugly duckling years (freakishly long chicken-like legs, bad perms, braces, and wearing home-made clothes) seriously held me back.   

I think my new proclivity for younger guys could be a great thing though. Most guys in their 30's are going to be damaged goods by now. We women screw guys up. Plain and simple. Unless you are a gay man you've probably been fucked up by multiple women by the age of 30. With this theory in mind it is my assumption that guys in their 40's are even worse. So dating a younger guy is the perfect solution right? If you need more convincing there is another obvious benefit to younger guys. They are hot. They still care about having a nice body...which is a biggie for me...and they tend to be more enthusiastic about everything. Life doesn't suck for them yet. They haven't experienced marital failure, haven't been broken down by corporate America, and haven't been trying to outrun the process of aging since the late 90's. Yep. I wanna find me a younger man!  If Demi can do it...I can do it!  Right?

Obsessed

I am going through withdrawals and it aint pretty. I haven't gotten any in a while (we won't discuss the exact time frame but I am neither a nympho nor a sexual camel okay?) and it is starting to take its toll on me.  Also, for the record, let me point out that my lack of sex right now is a choice...so don't go thinking that I am a desperate, hag of woman that just can't get any.  Au contraire.  I have a decent reserve of guys in my phone....sex is a mere phone call or text message away.  Granted, I'm no Heidi Fleiss....but if TLC ever wants to pilot "The Penis Whisperer" I am on their short list (I am totally kidding....seriously...only kidding).  My other option is to shoot off a flare but I don't think I need to cast my net THAT wide at this point--I need to save my desperate measures for when they are absolutely necessary. Never mind about all this...I have veered off track.  Back to my withdrawals. 

I walk out of my office and each time I do I can smell the sweet department-store scent of the man who last walked through the hall before me.  The smell of cologne is KILLING me.  Killing me I say!  I am a sucker for a good smelling guy.  I love love love cologne.  This may sound sick and twisted and I might find my name on the Megan's Law website after admitting this...but I buy my son the green Ax body wash because I am freakishly obsessed with that stuff.  Ob-freaking-sessed.  Believe me...you don't want to be that poor kid after he's done taking a shower because I have been known to chase him around the house trying to smell him.  (The things I do that will inevitably scar my children for life would need to be a whole separate blog--so let's not even go there right now.)  The ex-b/f wore Cool Water which is an all time favorite of mine.  In fact the second boy I ever kissed wore Cool Water...and yeah, that wasn't 5th or 6th grade folks.  I was THAT old when I got my second kiss.  So my question is this--would it be strange if I started to wear guy’s cologne?  I guess the worst thing that could happen would be that I would be turned on by myself all day long...but I fail to see how that would be any worse than my current situation.  As it is right now, I walk out of my office...I am greeted with the delicious smell of cologne...my heart starts beating a little faster...my mind starts to wonder (usually to shirtless images of Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler circa his "300" days)...and then I see the actual man to whom the smell belongs. This is crushing. Truly crushing.  I think I need to get a life!

I Gotta Feeling

Either I have an over-active imagination or there is a married dude in my office that wants to bone me. And by "bone me" I mean do dirty nasty things to me that his wife would never dream of doing--not the obligatory once a month missionary bone that he's probably lucky to be getting at this point in his marriage.  You know the one.  Where the wife makes the husband feel like a rapist or at very best like she is doing him the biggest fucking favor the world has ever known.  Guys--it has happened to you at least once.  And ladies--we all know we've been there.

So yeah.  He definitely wants to bone me.  I can see it on his face. He use to openly flirt with me (which I took pleasure in--I am deeply embarrassed to admit)...but then I started dating the ex-b/f who works in our office and that flirting came to a screeching halt. Thank you baby Jesus! I am pretty sure he propositioned me for sex on our company retreat to Palm Desert back in June...but since that was right around the time the ex-b/f and I were starting to date I let it fly under the radar and completely ignored him. Not that I would have done anything anyway. First of all--I am not a home wrecker. Or at least I am a reformed home wrecker. Yes I have home wrecked in the past. One home and only one home. It is a horrible feeling to be the "other woman" and I am never going to make that mistake again. Although, come on...are guys really supposed to stay in sex-less marriages and be expected not to stray? If you aren't giving it up to your man I can pretty much guarantee he's going to go looking for it somewhere else. He might not DO anything about it...but he's going to look, he's going to flirt, he's at least going to do some serious contemplating about it. I think that’s where my co-worker is at right now.  Also, I'm not a slut.  Yeah, I joke about being one--but I'm not.  My co-worker has a zero percent shot at getting up my skirt.  The best he can hope for is that a boob falls out of my shirt while I am bending over to get ice out of the ice machine.

So anyway, I am a little nervous as to what's going to happen once the rumor spreads that the ex-b/f and I are no longer together. It is only a matter of time before people realize we aren't having lunch together...that I am not a fixture on his desk while we have our morning chat...that he is not MIA 30 minutes at a time while he comes over to my office for an afternoon visit. The gig is going to be up sooner or later and I think that might be an open invitation for the married dude to rekindle his desire to bone me (he was already checking out the goods while I was in the break room this morning--although I can't fault him for that--the top I am wearing today is booberific). I am pretty sure that everyone in the office would assume that me and the ex-b/f were sexing it up--right? Who dates for 4 or 5 months and doesn't do it? We aren't Amish...this aint biblical times people. The way I see it is like this:  now that I've given it up to one guy in the office I have a bulls-eye on my skirt and all the other guys are going to try to hit it. Oy. We got some homely dudes in this office...I gotta feeling things are about to get rough!

Break Your Little Heart

I think I am a little sick and demented.  I actually want to get my heart broken.  Torn to shreds actually.  I want to lay on my bed in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face because someone has crushed my heart.  I have no idea why I want this.  Wanting to be in massive amounts of emotional pain is totally crazy--I completely realize this...yet this is exactly what I want.  I have a hunch that I have some bad dating karma coming my way so maybe I just want to get it out of the way so I can move on.  Or maybe I want to know that I there is the possibility that I could be really crazy about someone.  If I had been blogging about my dating life over the past couple years I would have recounted dozens of first dates with relatively decent guys that I had no desire to date again (I don't even want to get started on the ones that weren't decent!).  I think there may have been one guy that I actually would have gone out with a second time...but as luck would have it that was the one guy that didn't want to go out with me again.  Oh yeah...there was also Motocross Boy.  I would have gone out with him again...but that was more about stroking my ego than dating a person who would have been compatible.  After all, what 31 y/o single mom wouldn't be flattered to go out with a good looking 22 y/o?  But then again, what 31 y/o single mom could actually hold the attention of a good looking 22 y/o?  I certainly wasn't up for that task.  So anyway....my point is this:  where the hell is a guy that I can be crazy about?  I have a suspicion that I may have already met him.  It might be Vegas Boy...which is a little terrifying.

Vegas Boy is a guy from high school that I had a massive crush on my senior year.  We reconnected in April (thanks to Facebook) and he came down to see me in May.  Just the thought of him transports me back to high school and I can feel the same exact feelings I had for him.  Wanting a boy that didn't want me back.  That was the story of my life back then.  At any rate, this guy has something that grabs a hold of me and just won't let go.  Maybe it's his sex appeal, maybe it's his personality, his quirks, his laugh, his smile, the way he looks at me...ugh.  I think it might just be everything about him.  If someone has the ability to break my little heart--it is definitely Vegas Boy.  You haven't heard the last about him....I can promise you that!

Clothes Off!

I am pretty sure that getting boobs has made me a whore.  Okay...maybe not a whore but I certainly know that my clothes come off a hellofa lot easier now that I have boobs.  I can see my life divided into two distinct time frames now.  From birth to age 31 is my "before boobs" time frame (which will be referred to as BB) and then we have AB which is my life "after boobs."  I am still an infant in my AB life.  It hasn't even been a year yet...but I am loving every minute of it!  I had no idea what I was missing by not having boobs.  I thought I knew what I was missing...but these babies are awesome!  Boobs are practically a super-power--I was once powerless but not anymore.  In my BB life I was always self conscious about my boobs.  Not only did I not really have any...but after having kids it was even worse.  How can something you never had get saggy?  Believe it or not--even non-boobs can sag after the miracle of childbirth wreaks havoc on them.  Getting boobs was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I kind of wish I had started my AB life earlier...but I am not sure I would have used my super-powers wisely had I done this when I was younger.  I think my boobs are a huge reason why I love being single.  A boyfriend can become somewhat immune to your boob super-powers...but random strangers cannot!  I think I get hit on about 100 times more often now.  I am sure part of it has to do with the fact that I now dress in a way that shows an ample amount of cleavage...but it also probably has a lot to do with the self -confidence that came with the boobs.  I honestly can't say enough good things about having boobs.  So here's to all the boys that are going to get to see them during my days of being single--because, as the Gym Class Heroes say "you have to take your clothes off to have a good time"....hope you all enjoy them as much as I do!!

Dead & Gone

Single again.  Part of me is really sad to say goodbye to a boy that I genuinely enjoyed spending time with but the other part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I am meant to be single right now and I am excited to be back where I belong.  Single life--I missed you!  However....I am turning over a new leaf.  The old me is dead and gone.  I will no longer be the girl that dates the "nice guy" because he deserves a chance...because he makes me feel good...because he knows how to treat a woman...blah blah blah.  Nope.  If I am not attracted to him to the point of wanting to rip his clothes off and have my way with him then I am not dating him!  I repeat:  I AM NOT DATING HIM!  I didn't divorce my prick of an ex-husband so I could settle for someone that I am not absolutely, head-over-heels crazy about.  No fucking way!  Sure I have issues.  We all have issues.  I can find a guy that I am crazy about that can deal with my issues and still be crazy about me too.  I just need to stop selling myself short.  It will probably be a while before I start dating again...so my dairy isn't going to be juicy right from the get-go...but don't worry--my life is a train wreck in plenty of other areas and I'm willing to put it all out here for everyone to enjoy.